I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
When news reporters do sports stories
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Well, shit
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle