[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
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“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
life finds a way
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.