Human are so complicated
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When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though