Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
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Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees