🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
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My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”