dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
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So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am