Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
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When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.