Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
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British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.