Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
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“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
As the Lord intended
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.