I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport