No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
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Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette