The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
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If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
the council will decide your fate
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Looking at you, Jesus.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.