Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
No. YOU-buprofen.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”