Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
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Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Raisins are grape jerky.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.