Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
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“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there