Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
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Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade