My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
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If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
dads on road-trips be like
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair