It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
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friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t