Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
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“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}