If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
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Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron