I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.