4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
You Might Also Like
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
This is why I hate group projects
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
respect
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Weirdos gonna weird.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON