We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
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Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.