Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets