I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah