rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
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lol
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Nose
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Nice try, NASA
What even happened today?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.