Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
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If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Rather alarming headline…
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat