Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
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deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I need this for my side hustle.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
$4 #usedbooks
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?