If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
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[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Hard not to take this personally
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Golf would be better with landmines.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.