I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
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My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care