Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
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My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.