He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
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SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”