The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
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Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud