*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
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You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy