some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer