Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
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wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Coffee for people with no kids
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.