Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me