Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Brb my Sims are getting married
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.