Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.