The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
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Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
<- sleeps well with others
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.