If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
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A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Van Gone
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
looks legit
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib