my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
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Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
this isn’t threatening at all
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.