A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
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yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….