God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Friday
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order