Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
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If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
For those that worship cheese..
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Husband of the year 😂
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions