You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
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My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.