3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
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KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.