My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.