A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments: