peak technology
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Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
smartest karate player in the world
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that